How was your day?

I'm going to pretend I that have a person in my life that cares about me so much, that despite the exhaustive activities of their day, asks me at the end of mine (when I finally get home around 11pm), how my day was.

The stupid thing that happened

To be able to answer the question, I had to first record myself speaking because I have a much better chance at capturing certain nuances with my voice over typing, and... it didn't record. So I spent 8.5 minutes talking to myself, and while there was a version of myself that would have been too disappointed with the outcome of this entire affair to continue, present me feels like it frames so many of life's little ironies accurately. I have a vivid memory of exactly which past version of myself would have been too disappointed.

Story time...

2023 was approaching its end, and I was in the last week of Housemanship. Red zone was empty, and in fact, it seemed like the entire emergency department was too. In the dimly lit space balancing on a high stool wrapped in a blanket belonging to the hospital, I typed gingerly on my phone using red zone's designated computer monitor to illuminate my endeavor. The caption was meant to match a picture of me that my friend took when we were travelling overland to Redang Island. The bus stopped in Jeli, Kelantan, and I insisted that pictures were taken of me in a placed called "Jeli".

The caption went a little something like this...

I wonder if in another life, I could have been a bus driver. Then I wonder if in that life where I was a bus driver, I would have moments of introspection such as this during some late night ride, staring at a quirky picture that my friend took of me dressed up as a doctor during a Halloween party, wondering if in another life, I could have been a doctor.

#3amthoughts #meta

I then went on blathering about something that probably meant a great deal to me, but I do remember that the whole point was to broadcast that I was going on yet another IG hiatus. I also wanted to acknowledge that it might have seemed in poor taste given that it's the most exciting time of year to be on socials: year end! I definitely had something clever to say about FOMO, and that I could make my peace with not knowing how everyone's 2k23 went, along with all the ways in which 2k24 would BE DIFFERENT OKAY?! because resolutions made during New Years is obviously the ultimate catalyst for change we are all perpetually in line for.

I'll admit that this is a bit rich coming from someone who stalks their partner on Strava, and watches their IG stories on The Browser (Which, FYI, is why I even opened my notebook tonight. Yes it is honesty o'clock, and I have no qualms in sharing my particular brand of pathetic) simply because I am not in the frame of mind to reply to their texts.

Anyway...

I was typing a witty 'cya bitchez' caption to go with the cute picture when somewhere in the process of copy pasting the wall of text from my notes to the IG caption bar, it vanished. I remember feeling so dejected (cut me some slack, it was 4am) that I gave up, and posted a different picture a few days later with a really 'in poor taste' caption, given how much thought I had genuinely put into why I was taking a step back to begin with.

It was in speaking about it with my life coach that I realised, that none of it mattered, and no one cared except me.

Only I drew that much significance to sharing either one of those pictures because I wanted my gallery to showcase the first time I wore my chili red Lulu's because, only I knew that I tried to get these pair a year earlier, but it didn't come in my size. For some mysterious reason when I happened to be in Lulu a whole year later, not only did I still want them, I could actually have them.

Before you roll your eyes and write me off as some astrology woohoo, please know that I don't believe in fate, or that God has a grand plan for me that my minute mortal mind can barely make sense of. Nor do I believe that everything happens for a reason, or that every step I take is pre-ordained therefore I am but a faithful follower of The Plan. I really don't.

I like to find connections, to try and tie up loose ends, to make pieces fit into some impromptu puzzle because, I believe these are nothing more than stories I tell myself (and others) to keep myself entertained in this absurd awareness we call life.

I'm not entirely sure what riding this thought train will have earned me when morning comes, but rest assured, I enjoyed exploring it. I'm also happy that someone (me) asked how my day went, and that I spent 8.5 minutes answering it in quite commendable detail given that it is now almost half two.

What I want to leave you with is this...

All I really want at the end of any day, is for someone to hold me accountable to stop for a moment, take stock, troubleshoot, and finally, give thanks. Even if my answer could range anywhere from an 8.5 minute monologue, to a one worded answer followed by repeated tugs towards the bed, because it is just so nice to spend the remaining minutes of The Day wrapped up in the arms of someone who loves you, and assures you that you are not alone.

Tonight, that someone is me, and that's okay.